The Miser’s Guest House

“Come and rough it, before you snuff it”
Said the sign above the door,
“Don’t run off without paying the bill,
Said another, on the floor.

“Breakfast starts at 9 am,
And finishes, 9.15.
Don’t stay out past 10 at night
And keep your bedrooms clean.

Dinner will be served at 5,
Just then, and on the dot,
And don’t forget it’s bingo night,
In case you all forgot.

Yes we’re really near the sea,
It only takes a bus,
And then a fifty minute walk,
But why have all that fuss?

Stay here and watch TV instead,
Just 50 pence a minute,
You’ll find a slot behind the door,
Please pop your money in it.

You said you wanted wifi?
That’s just twenty pounds a day,
But if you want the faster one,
Stand outside in the Bay.

We change the towels every week,
But only if they smell,
We wash the bed sheets once a year,
And do the loo as well.

We used to be much bigger,
But a wall fell down last week,
It’s just the sort of risk you take
When living by the creek.

Your children, they look lively,
Please keep them in the rooms,
They’re not here to enjoy themselves,
Or break our posh heirlooms.

A shame that you’re on holiday,
When it isn’t very sunny,
But put your feet up, just relax
Whilst we take more money.

I hear you want the heating on,
Have you got a chill?
Here’s an extra blanket now,
I’ll put it on the bill.

I know you’re leaving us today,
So take a nice packed lunch,
How about some grapes as well?
Ten pounds for a bunch

We hope that you enjoyed your stay,
Sorry, we must dash
Come back soon, we’ll be here,
Just waiting for your cash”.

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